John Cleese – Threat Alerts in 2011


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in

France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country’s military capability.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in

Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to

“Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

“Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit

Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody

Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance”

warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s

get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the

reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for

the last 300 years.


Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly”

to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:

“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”


The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful

Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also

have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries”

to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain:

“Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and

“The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use

of the final escalation level.


— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

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~ by bowlphilosophy on May 30, 2011.

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